Rumor has it that John McCain is considering ousted Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina as his running mate. Or, more precisely, some of Fiorina's Silicon Valley buddies are floating her name, even though she has as much chance of becoming McCain's veep as the Rev. Jeremiah Wright does of becoming his White House chaplain. A more likely scenario is that Fiorina is thinking about running for governor of California in 2010 - as is former eBay boss Meg Whitman, another Valley Republican interested in inheriting Gov. Schwarzenegger's moderate GOP mantle - and she's trying to raise her profile.
McCain says he has 20 names on his vice presidential list, and from what I've been able to gather, Fiorina is almost certainly not one of them. She's never run for elected office, she has no constituency, her truncated tenure at H-P ended in scandal and shame, and she's not nearly conservative enough to satisfy the national Republican Party's right wing. Granted, she's probably as ready to be president as Dan Quayle was, but since McCain himself has said out loud that he will be especially careful about picking an impeccably qualified running mate because of his advanced age and health history, it's beyond conceivable that Fiorina could be a legitimate candidate. Besides, her real name is Cara Carleton Sneed Fiorina. Would that even fit on a button?
But as long as we're tossing out preposterous long shots for the number two slot on the GOP ticket, I've got a few ideas of my own:
ROBERT BYRD - The nonagenarian U.S. Senator from West Virginia (yeah, that's right, he's almost 91 now) is already President Pro Tem, so he's third in line for the presidency (behind Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi), so why not kick him up a couple notches for old time's sake? He voted against the Iraq war, he's a Democrat, he's certainly experienced - talk about a national unity ticket. And who else could make John McCain seem like a frisky young'un?
PAULA ABDUL - Now, here's a woman with a national constituency. Carly Fiorina, eat your heart out. She's female, sort of a minority (Syrian/Canadian/Jewish), and you can't deny she'd bring in the youth vote. Unfortunately, 13-year-old girls can only vote for the next American Idol, not the next American President. But Abdul helps generate 30 million votes a week, which is way more than you can say for anyone else on McCain's list.
DICK CHENEY - Hey, why not? If it ain't broken, don't fix it. No need for movers or redecorating. And in case anything happens to McCain, we already know that Cheney is qualified to run the country - he's been doing it for eight years now.
But seriously folks....Next Time: Who I really think is on McCain's list.